I get off work I proceed to my car and every time I am fighting back tears. I don’t fully know why it is not just because LA is a lonely city or the lack of friends I think it a the little details that feel out of place like when someone goes in your room when your not there and you come back and you just know something is different even if they have not moved a thing it is like that. Hmmmmm what to do I don’t really know I pray Providence smiles on my dreams tonight to guide me to the place I belong. 

Don’t be so pretentious with your affections whatever they maybe let them serve the purpose do if it is so climb the mountain and over far away shore or if it is to be a shoulder to lean upon let your affections be true if you are passionate let it drive you if you feel half hearted be only fully half way in don’t try to give a 100 when you know you posses only 50 percent I don’t want to trouble you with a long speech about love I just want you to know your affections can be afflictions if not steered away from misleading trails on the pathways to love.

It is one of my least favorite days with an absent father I truly still face the pain of that choice that had nothing really to do with me. But I guess my way of facing it and moving forward is saying that I feel this way now who knows next year forgiven and full acceptance of what happen will come rushing over me but as of now I fight tears on a day we celebrate the gift of fatherhood when I remember my father does not have the courage to play that role in my life. 

I think one of the hardest things about growing up is actually having to confront emotions you where never willing to deal with through childhood and adolescent. It is so easy to escape to step into different worlds in your youth and as you get older circumstances, dreams, comforts, friction, opinions, lovers, family, friends they pull you until those other world just fade like mirages. No more can you spend time holding yourself together through escaping only through going into the world you feared the most can you find true escape and freedom. Oooo to the paroles of being an adult or the beauty of finally growing into true personhood :) 

I felt very alone at the ending of my work day it maybe this city it may just be me but truly it is a completely different world when you live in a city that enjoys distance when you are so familiar with unity I am not saying it a problem because honestly a difference in opinion should never lead to pain it just that I would have never imagined that my life would look like this… Alone on a friday night how about you :) 

Doing the everyday beautifully is a true gift. To navigate through the mundane with a generous amount of energy, love and patience is some special ability in life and I know that it is rubbing off on me.

I will let my tumblr be my morning pages I am house sitting and currently feel lovely I think it is because I am start to relax about alot of things in my life from when things will work out to how am I going to navigate through the current circumstances that is my life also coming to a place of not stressing about where I will be living soon just laying back and taking everything gracefully I am going to go now writing this motivated me to get my computer key fixed and go to yoga damn W

It has been so long since I have posted or written about anything living in Los angeles I am thankful everyday that I know I will not live here forever so long are the stories for that but I am just thankful life has seasons and season end. 

So I read on Instagram I know this statement is about to be PROFOUND!!!!! “Don’t promote what you hate Speak of what you Love” simple enough this is truth and it is freedom. Hate releases the fragrance of hate around you and in your speech, before you know it even when something positive is coming from your mouth it has the stench of a sad heart. Wake up call, I like to say what is Whack about establishments, systems, especially Christianity (MY So CALLED RELIGION) and so on but truly that brings no resolve to the issue at hand. Waking up sometimes is the hardest after the long night of denial… but no denial on my end it is much I don’t enjoy about the way the church is going but my list of bitching is not changing things any faster. So what do I love? I love to write maybe not the greatest but I truly enjoy when I can position words into worlds creating something that is all together lovely to the viewer and most importantly in a lot of ways ME. I am currently on a journey to health which is super exciting but of course includes being humble enough to say the conditions of my life are not to be blamed on the people who expended to much life and energy from me. It was on my own hands for tell everyone else how valuable, precious, funny, cute, sweet, lovely, enjoyable, spontaneous, not alone, comforting, acceptable, free and all the inbetweens but I never found time to implement those words into ME as a being. So to all the Me’s out their let the baggage go, let go serious, let the Universe, Creator, God whatever power you are calling on these day deal with the extra’s by extras I mean the things you try to help or control with a fine tooth comb only to be let down. Start to be thankful, grateful speak of you LOVES not your hates it does so much for you that it Sickly GOOD!!!!